The Passionate Mom

Dare to Parent in Today’s World

by Susan Merrill

2013

 

Always on the lookout for resources that God can use to transform me into a better mom, I picked up The Passionate Mom from one of our city’s few Christian booksellers.

 

A Mother’s Day gift to myself.  

 

Author, Susan Merrill, writes about a parenting model based on the Old Testament book of Nehemiah.

You know, the one where Nehemiah goes to Jerusalem to get the broken down city wall fixed.

 

The story of Nehemiah has long been a favorite of mine and the connection between walls and parenting resonates deeply.

Think about this verse,

“He who fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge” Proverbs 14:26.

 

I want to be a secure fortress for my children and secure fortresses depend on walls.

 

Walls are important.

 

From a parenting perspective,

Walls are how parents protect their children.

They are the rules that stand according to age and maturity.

 

Even further, 

Walls are needed to protect my child’s heart.


And they come out of my relationship with the Lord.

 

God has given me walls as well.
They are the statutes and instructions in His Word meant to protect me and help me experience life according to His perfect plan.

 

But,

How often do my kids step out from the protection of my walls?

How often do I step out from the protection of God's walls?

 

Susan Merrill goes on to explain that even the most secure fortresses have gates in which to go in or to go out.

 

What are the gates in parenthood?

Privileges.

 

How will I know if my child is old or mature enough to function beyond my wall if I don’t let them try?

After all, gates have gatekeepers.

A gate can always be shut...

 

Walls and gates, are they too abstract?

A great example in our family is that we have started to let son #1 bike around our neighborhood by himself. This is a gate, or a privilege, that we have opened up to him as he had previously demonstrated  trustworthy behaviour while staying within our walls, that is biking on our street.

Son #2 is still required to stay within our walls by staying on our street as he hasn't demonstrated the maturity needed to go off on such an adventure. It would also help if he learned to ride his bike.

Despite this identification with walls and gates,

I think what struck me deepest in this book is the idea that I need to have time to think about my children and pray for them.

 

Time.

 

That is the key word.

 

If my life is too full of activity, with too many projects, and too much rushing around, when will I find the time to ponder and pray about my kids?

I won’t.

And if I don’t, who will?

My husband?

Nope. He’s even busier.

 

Busyness and the desire to simplify.

It seems to be a common theme in my life right now.

 

What to cut?

What to continue?

What is truly important?

What fits with the ministry called motherhood?
What fits with what God has truly called me to do? 

“You are called to lay the foundation for your son’s or daughter’s faith. You can build a strong wall to protect your child, but if you don’t lay a solid foundation for what he or she believes, you will have missed your mission. Your child’s heart is the dwelling place for God. Build it strong, and then protect it with your wall.”



Reading on...

Boys Adrift

The Five Factors Driving the Growing Epidemic of Unmotivated Boys and Underachieving Young Men

by Leonard Sax

2007

 

 

I am not going to write in great detail about this book, as I read it years ago.

However, if you are looking for a great book to help you understand your son – this is it.

 

Leonard Sax is a family physician and research psychologist who has an interest in boys and why they struggle in today’s society.

Insights ranging from the lack of healthy male role models to false realities provided by video games to lack of physical competition in schools are all discussed in an engaging and easy to read style.

 

Boys Adrift is a book I’ve recommended multiple times.

 

Reading on…

Just a Minute

by Wess Stafford, President and CEO, Compassion International

2012

I had read Mr. Stafford’s first book, Too Small to Ignore, way back in spring 2010 and found it to be incredibly powerful.

So powerful that I picked up copies for the Kid’s Ministry servants at church and encouraged them very strongly to read it. (You can do that when you coordinate the ministry!) 

In Too Small to Ignore, Mr. Stafford tells his story of abuse at the hands of boarding school missionaries and how God used that experience for His purpose in the development of the child advocacy organization, Compassion International.

Though I was moved by all 264 pages, the following hit me hard, 

“Watch carefully the children around you. In precious moments you will catch a glimpse of your Saviour’s face. Listen intently and you will hear His voice. Walk gently among them; His footprints are all around you. Embrace them, for you are embracing Him. Respect them, because they are sometimes God’s agents – exactly the kind of instruments He needs. At such times, only a child will do,” (pg 228).

As I had been impacted so deeply by Too Small to Ignore, when I saw an advertisement for Mr. Stafford’s new book, I quickly placed my order.

Just a Minute did not disappoint.

If you are looking for a book that pours out beauty with ugliness, restoration with abandonment, time with neglect, smiles with tears, this is it.

Filled with stories of passing moments between children and adults, Mr. Stafford’s premise is that how an adult chooses to respond to a child will, in many cases, have a lasting effect on that child's life.  

For the good and for the bad.

For instance, did you know that notorious German leader, Adolf Hitler, was one of five children in an abusive household? As the story goes, a young Adolf decided he would run away from home like his older brother, but not before his father found out and locked him in a room to prevent it....

Adolf tried to escape by squeezing through a barred window, but couldn't quite fit. To make himself smaller, Adolf removed all his clothes and made another attempt. As he tried to wriggle his way out, he heard his father’s approach and quickly moved back from the window, covering his nakedness with a nearby tablecloth.

“This time ... [his father] did not punish with a whipping. Instead he burst into laughter and shouted to [his mother] to come up and look at the “toga boy”. The ridicule hurt Adolf more than any switch...” (John Toland, Adolf Hitler, New York: Doubleday, 1976)

And, as the common phrase goes, the rest is history. Adolf Hitler would never let himself be ridiculed again.

On the more positive side, Mr. Stafford also included an account of the leading animator for many beloved Disney characters such as Ariel from The Little Mermaid, the beast in Beauty and the Beast, Rapunzel in Tangled, among others.

This animator’s name is Glen Keane, son of “The Family Circus” creator, Bil Keane. 


When Glen was young, he aspired to draw just like his dad. On one particular day, Glen could not get his sketch of a horse right. Instead of looking like a horse, it looked more like a dog! Glen sought his father’s help.

Despite having his work interrupted for an inconsequential sketch of a horse, Bil Keane stopped what he was doing and helped his son draw the horse correctly. 


In that moment, as Wess Stafford reports in his book, “Glen felt loved and respected,” (page 165-166). Glen obviously went on to be a very talented "sketcher". 

Just a Minute is full of stories like these. 


Stories that made my head swell with shame and stories that made me nod quietly with approval.

This book reminded me that the moments I spend with my children count. 


My words, my expression, my actions. 


They all matter.  


For good and for bad.

As both my sons learned in kindergarten, everyone has a bucket. Am I emptying their buckets or filling them?


When I act with compassion and grace, I am filling.
When I act with anger and impatience, I am emptying.

Sometimes it is only by the grace of God that I don’t dump their buckets right out onto the floor.


And that is the point.

Taking a moment out of the busyness of my life to ask the child next to me about their day, or to laugh at a “non-joke”, or to compliment the use of colour in a scribbled picture isn't always accomplished through my own strength.


Sometimes it is only accomplished through the grace of God given to me.

And I need to remember, I am also a child. A child of God. 


And God takes every moment for me.




Reading on...

The Art of Pushing Too Hard

A great love of mine, reaching far back into my childhood, is artistic gymnastics.

I spent a year or two in the gym then quit, believing it to be too costly for my parents.

I remember that conversation to this day. 

I regret that conversation to this day.

Several years later, I tried rhythmic gymnastics and, again, spent several years in the gym then coached a few more. Unsuccessfully, I might add.

However, for me “rhythmics” didn’t have quite the same pull.

Sigh, the trials of youth.

With that said I recently read two artistic gymnastic books and thoroughly enjoyed the experience of immersing myself in the world of the gym.

Letters to a Young Gymnast

by Nadia Comaneci

Basic Books

2004

Nadia Comaneci was my gymnastics hero, just like thousands of other aspiring gymnasts. 

One of my favourite movies growing up was, “Nadia”. I found it on You Tube and found it just as inspiring now as I did then. 

Note: Apparently the scene in the movie where Nadia drinks dish soap as a suicide attempt was stretched to add tension and drama.  

Letters to a Young Gymnast provides a glimpse into Nadia’s life as an elite gymnast in Romania and her new life in North America. Nadia also provides details of her defection to the United States – unreal.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading about Nadia’s experiences and truly felt sorry for her in parts. Life was not easy despite her national and international fame.

The book did not disappoint. 

Chalked Up

by Jennifer Sey

William Morrow/Harper Collins Publishers

2008

Until this autobiography, I had never heard of Jennifer Sey, the 1986 United States Gymnastics Champion.

While I thoroughly enjoyed her story, the experiences she detailed page after page totally took the romance out of elite gymnastics. Hers is a story of “merciless coaching, overzealous parents, eating disorders, and elusive Olympic dreams.”

Things no parent should want their child to experience. 

Reading her book did bring a certain question to mind...

What does pushing too hard look like? When does it happen?

When the rest of the family is propelled towards sacrifice for the sake of one child's aspirations...

When the child can't quit for fear of disappointing their parents...

When a child mutilates their body in the drive to succeed... 

I think the question of pushing too be hard can be asked of all parents of all children in activities. 

It is certainly not exclusive to gymnastics.

We recently asked ourselves this question with Number One Son. When is enough enough? 

For four years we poked and prodded him to attend music lessons, to practice music lessons, to love (or at least like) music lessons, until we finally gave up. 

We felt (and still do) that music adds depth to character never mind providing a very versatile and practical skill. 

Number One Son disagreed.

The pull he felt was to hockey.

I think there comes a time with all children when you have to let them give up on one activity in lieu of another. One can not be good at everything, and eventually comes the time to choose.

Which do they want to pursue?

If Number One Son wants to spend his time playing hockey instead of playing piano, so be it.

He did give piano four years, after all.

And he knows the minute he asks to go back, the door is open.

The fact is God has given us all unique and individual gifts. I believe one can worship God through playing hockey just as easily as through the piano. 

Just maybe not as traditional.

1 Corinthians 10:31

“So whatever you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.”

If my Number One Son seeks to do his best at hockey to glorify God through helping his team, well then, he's in worship.

So, what about pushing within the activity they love?

Hockey is a terrific example.

In our city, all parents have to take an on-line course and sign their lives away agreeing to be respectful towards all players, coaches, refs, other parents, and, especially, their own child. 

Still, you regularly hear stories of parents who’ve failed.

Then, of course, there are all the signs and posters and emails about all the additional hockey and skating you, as a hockey parent, can sign your child up for. There are enough options to fill every nook of your child's time with hockey and the like.

As a hockey parent, the pull is certainly there. After all, you realize that the more practice time your child gets the better the team they'll end up on and the more competitive the games will be, and the cycle continues.

I know. I have felt it. 

I believe a sign of respect is not pushing your child too hard. Follow their lead. After all, pushing too hard will eventually back fire and your child will end up hating the activity they once loved.

So, my conclusion on the Art of Pushing Too Hard?

Pushing too hard is when a parent holds unrealistic expectations over their child.

Pushing too hard is when the parent forces their child to practice for the tenth (or even third) time that day.

Pushing too hard comes when a parent believes their child is the best and will do their activity professionally.

Pushing hard comes when a parent relives their youth through their child.

Pushing too hard when the parent forgets their child is still their child.

As a parent, there are times when it takes restraint to not push too hard or to hold your tongue. To let it be. Especially when I forget what really matters... 

As a parent, what should be the most important to me in all my child's activities?

That my child loves what they are doing.

That my child does their best at what they’re doing.

That my child glorifies God through what they are doing.

That my child is a light to others through what they are doing.

That my child feels my overwhelming love, encouragement and support, no matter how well they perform.

That is (part of) the Art of Parenting Well.

Reading on...